


I Went Down to the River to Pray

by puff22_2001



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Character Study, Gen, I wrote this when I was very very depressed, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Unhappy Ending, You Can Tell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:08:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23036017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puff22_2001/pseuds/puff22_2001
Summary: Usagi is so very, very tired.NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE: 1-800-273-8255
Relationships: Chiba Mamoru/Tsukino Usagi, Chibiusa & Tsukino Usagi, Luna & Tsukino Usagi, Tsukino Usagi & Inner Senshi
Comments: 7
Kudos: 17





	I Went Down to the River to Pray

**Author's Note:**

> NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> This story is over fifteen years old. I edited out the most egregious problems (such as the gratuitous Japanese) and performed some minor plot surgery. However, this fanfiction is otherwise fairly untouched. I'm pleased to note that this isn't as bad as I remembered.
> 
> With that said, I really struggled with the tenses in this one. I wanted more of a stream-of-consciousness vibe, but I'm not sure that I pulled the effect off well. As to why Usagi's thought patterns are more formal than one would expect, I wrote this as if Princess Serenity is leaking into Usagi's mind--both in form and in topic.
> 
> While I do believe that Usagi is hugely self-deprecating, I don't think that she'd kill herself under normal circumstances. Princess Serenity, on the other hand, is canonically suicidal in multiple versions of the series. If one subscribes to the headcanon (and sometimes canon!) idea that Princess Serenity is less benevolent guide and more dangerous parasite, it's pretty easy to imagine a scenario where Princess Serenity latches onto Usagi's feelings of guilt and worthlessness and turns them darker than they might be otherwise.

I look out over the icy water as I contemplate what I’m about to do. My hair, in all its golden glory, whips unnoticed about my face. My crystal blue eyes are dim as I follow in my heart the path I’ve traveled to this day.

I had wanted to be a princess, a heroine, a beautiful vision that my true love would search out and whisk away in triumph. But I didn’t know that my dreams would come true . . . at the price of my friends’ happiness. Had I known the pain that I would cause, I would never have pulled that band-aid off and heard Luna speak.

To speak on Luna. My teacher, my guardian--my friend. How I’ve bound you! To spend eternity following me to the ends of the Earth because of my mother’s wish to have me safe.

You deserve better! To have a life of freedom and peace. No one should waste away to protect me. I remember the last thing you said to me before I walked to the bridge overlooking the freezing river.

_ “Usagi? Where are you going? We have a meeting in an hour.” I nod and tell you that I’ll be there. How my heart aches to know that I’m lying. _

There we were again. You tried to guide me against my own reckless nature. Never allowed happiness of your own.

As these thoughts raced through my head, I trudged down the street. The winter wind blew my parka hood from its perch on my pigtails, and I left it down. Better that I should suffer for what I was about to do.

But in my heart, I knew that it was the end that I was craving. Soon, you would all have peace. I came to the bridge, shivering--not only from the frigid air about me. I looked over the edge and nearly lost my nerve.

Then I heard Rei down the street. She was calling to me. Calling once more. Like so many times.

_ “Usagi! Aren’t you coming? The meeting is at my place, remember?” I remember. It’s been that way for as long as we’ve been soldiers. As long as you’ve had your curse. The curse of loving me. _

I nodded to you, much as I did to Luna, and replied in the same. I would be there. I just wanted to watch the water for a minute. You smiled and strode away, throwing a short wave behind. My weak wave followed, my hand falling to my side when you were out of sight.

I would be there in spirit if not in body.

I turned again to the water. Its clear depths looked so much like my crystal. The source of all the pain. Rei’s pain and Luna’s. All of my friends’ agony and strife.

Yes, they love me as well. But the Silver Crystal, the great _rock_ , is my true duty, their true loyalty. I am the keeper of the brightest star.

They say.

But how can I be the most pure and mighty when all my soldiers kill themselves time and time again for me? I always need their help. Neptune and Uranus were right. I am not the true heir to the Moon throne. For if I was, I would hold the power and strength that my mother did before me. But I must always, always call on my soldiers to do my job!

let me not forget Mamo-chan. Ah, Mamo-chan. The prince I dreamt of. The man to claim my heart. The one to tear my soul to shreds.

Yes, he loves me. Yes, I love him. But his whole life until he is finally granted the greatest release is predestined. Predestined to rotate solely around me. I am NOT worth it! Mamo-chan should have a choice in what he does, in who he befriends . . . in who he loves. Yet fate has decreed that he must eternally bind to a whimpering rabbit, forever scampering into her hole.

These were my dark thoughts as I climbed onto the rail, knuckles white. I quickly scanned the street. No one in either direction. That was exactly what I wanted. No one to witness my last act of cowardice. However, I lingered still. Fear gripped my heart. I suddenly knew (as obvious as it should have been) that, if I did this, ChibiUsa would not be born.

_ “Usagi! You said we’d go to the park!” _ Yes, she can be annoying. She is a brat. But she is my child, my second spirit. She is my heir and my light. Who am I to deprive another of life because of my own miserable soul?

I watched the wind make tiny waves in the glistening waters. ChibiUsa shouldn’t die for me. No one should. Yet they all had. All of my Inners, all of my Outers. My advisors. My love and my child. Innocent people, who’s only crime was living in a world with Usagi Tsukino.

My mother! Her one goal was to set me free. That choice cost her her life. How could I live with knowing that? But how could I die and take from my child her very life?

_ “I must give up my life for my people and my child. No one should die for me.” _ My mother’s words before the great battle thousands of years ago rang in my ears. They rang true.

No one should die for me. No one, let alone one that I adore. Anyone. No one.

So I stand now. My hands still grip the railing, my hair still flies in the wind. My eyes are wet and my soul is so, so tired. But if I die, will I only prolong the grief that my family and friends feel? Do they love me that much, that my death would destroy them?

Only time can tell.

**Author's Note:**

> NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> I wrote this specific fanfiction when I was severely depressed in my late teens. I had a very traumatic senior year of high school and my unmedicated mental health issues reached a peak. I’m not lying when I say that SailorMoon helped me to hold on. By sublimating my suicidal ideation into my fandom, I was able to stay alive long enough to get to college and free mental healthcare.
> 
> SailorMoon saved my life and, if I were to ever continue this story, I would save hers.


End file.
